Sadness

I am at another crossroad.

I am feeling this overwhelming sense of sadness, anger, impatience and general unpleasantness that I seem to have trouble crawling out of. Conflicting thoughts go through my head, about life, and reality. It seems easier right now to devote my life to financial pursuits, since results are immediate, savings grow, and my mind is occupied. To enter the capitalist stream and begin the life of accumulation. But there is a but. It would feel like a betrayal, a betrayal of all I thought, all I believed and all I fought against as little as I did. It just seems the fight is futile, the fight against racism, poverty and illogical wars and killing. I am wavering at this part, and I do so without a fear of judgment from others, because that is not what this is about and never has been about. This is about defining my life and making a responsible adult from the child. This is the transformation. The question is what is a responsible adult? Is it a subjective or objective? Are there definite answers? There are so many road blocks in the way in order to enlighten people, to enlighten myself, roadblocks of various proportions and magnitudes. It is lonely, trying to find the strength to dig deep and find the courage to move forward against the road blocks. But there is a fear, what if I dive in, and there is not enough? Where does that leave my heart, mind and soul? In shambles, in dust? This confusion is a mind trap.