Love

How can someone say they love you, but not be there for you when you need it. That is what love is right? Putting aside you to be present for others in their time of need. Putting the person you "love"'s needs before your own. Giving. Otherwise, it is simply another word, a syllable used to express the perceived meaning of attachment without thought. I love the work I do, and who I do it for, because I sacrifice my desires for them. And I do it with happiness. I feel happiness by giving love. And everyone needs to feel love. So do I. So where do I find mine? If I turn to those that have abandoned me, did they really love? I am there where I am needed, because I love, and I give. But where are those that claim to love me. Claim to "love" but will not give. Will simply use the word, an imagined connection, but not follow up with action.

There are some that do not use the word love. But they are there. Family, friends. They can be there. But then there are those that claim the word, without understanding the meaning. Love is selflessness. To love is to give.

I don't get how you can love and not give.

The Return of Loneliness

It is back, and things have changed. The meaning of my life comes into question yet again. I found answers before, which led to a whole new set of questions, and the journey excited, for I was blessed with a companion, to share, to love. The first time I experienced life shattering violence I started this blog with my travels. And here I am again. I remain intentionally vague so as to protect myself from the realities of my situation. I can commit bravery to experience, but to recall and explanation, i remain afraid.

My latest thought that prevents my descent into madness and chaos is the power I give myself with choice. I have never truly understood the maintaining power of Choice until I felt like I lost all of them. Life has a way of shaking you as soon as you feel comfortable, waking you from your slumber. Reminding you of your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Not so that you can turn them into strengths, but to humble you and return you to the state of humanity.

I return to humanity, return to my thoughts, return to loneliness. I am one with the world, and I am separate. I am important, and I feel meaningless. My journey is no longer one of distance, but one of courage, one of insight. I am afraid. But I have a choice, there always is my easy way out. My "comfort" card. I can lose my heart, my desire, and return to the path laid out for me. Or I can remain alone with my fear, with my self, and continue my struggle. This is a new struggle. A new search. And I more aware of the fear within me. The vulnerability. The weakness.

As it stands now I feel abandoned, and I feel lost. My heart is not my own. My words ad thoughts confuse me with their paradox. This should be a good place to start...